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in need of care. There was no point at all trying to hide it from Arthur anymore.
More than that, though, he could not allow Arthur to continue in bearing the guilt
when the full blame should not rest on his shoulders.
 You didn t fail me, Arthur, not the way you believe. But you likely think I m
weak, and you would be correct. There s something  he took a deep breath, the air
shuddering on the exhale, and forced the words out  wrong with me. He had
never confessed the truth to anyone a secret he had been too ashamed to reveal.
 Other men take blows and get up the next morning. Yet when I grow maudlin, it s
all I can think about. It s why I drank until I was numb for so many years, but I
gave you my word I wouldn t give in again. And beyond that, I don t want to be a
drunkard anymore. Waking up with a pounding head had grown damn tiring.
He felt the weight of Arthur s scrutiny. Assessing him, measuring him. He
kept his attention on his hands in his lap, unable to bring himself to meet Arthur s
gaze.
 Thorn, look at me. Please.
Convincing Leopold 95
He swallowed hard. Then, lifting his chin, he did as Arthur bid. He might be
weak and pathetic, but he refused to add coward to the list. But instead of the pity
he was certain he would find, nothing but concern filled Arthur s hazel eyes.
 You told me it didn t bother you to be around others who imbibed. I hope you
know you needn t lie to me, Thorn. I would not have thought less of you.
 I spoke the truth. I m not tempted by liquor the way you believe. He wasn t
one of those hardened rakes who couldn t start the day without a glass of brandy.
 It s more& I can feel myself growing maudlin. Liquor numbs it. Keeps the pain at
bay. Over the years, it became a habit. But it wasn t difficult to give it up. I didn t
need it. I was fine. More than fine. I was happy for the first time in& well, a long
time. Because he finally had the man he had loved for a decade.  Until 
 I pushed you away. Arthur laid a comforting hand on his thigh. A notched V
pulled his brows.  It wasn t you, Thorn. I was exhausted from working such long
hours and yes, I m well aware I gave you my word I wouldn t allow the office to
consume me, yet I did. Definitely not something I am proud of. I should have told
you I wasn t up for anything more than crawling into bed together and falling
asleep. But I didn t know how to tell you that without you believing I didn t want
you. In the end, I made it much worse.
 It s not your fault, Arthur. That s what I am trying to explain. It s me. I swear
I do it to myself. I can feel it creeping up on me. The worries build, compounding on
each other, and then&  He heaved a sigh. He hated it. Hated that sense of all-
consuming despair, the way it robbed him of all hope, and how he felt so powerless
against it.
 Have you ever consulted a physician?
Leopold shook his head.  Not on my own. My father used to send for them
when I was an adolescent. Didn t do a bit of good. And it wasn t as if I was abed
forever. Usually only lasted a handful of days, and it wasn t a frequent occurrence.
Arthur s attention drifted to the bench opposite them.  That s why your father
spoils you. He spoke as if the thought had just occurred to him.
96 Ava March
He bristled.  Pardon? I am not spoiled. He was a man of nine-and-twenty,
very soon to reach thirty, not some child.
 Indulges, then, Arthur said with a shrug.  And he does indulge you, to the
exclusion of your elder brothers. He didn t give any of them a town house in London
or a country estate. I know, for my uncle used to draw up all documents pertaining
to the purchase of property for your father. And I don t mean it as an insult, so no
need to take offense. I always rather assumed your father was living vicariously
through you, but I would hazard a guess that s not at all the case. He merely
wanted you to be happy.
Leopold tugged at the cuff of one of his gloves, righting it about his wrist. The
Yorkshire property had been a gift on his twenty-first birthday. By then, he had
firmly cemented his reputation as an unrepentant rakehell, the nights passing by in
a drunken blur. And he could well remember his father pushing his brothers, each
in turn, to attend university. A requirement and not an option. Yet the man had
broached the subject once with him and only in passing. No discussions in the
study, no debates on whether Oxford or Cambridge would suit him best. Nor had his
father ever pushed him toward any particular area of employment.
Not a comfortable feeling to think his father had coddled him like some sort of
invalid. Was still coddling him, in fact.
 Thorn? Arthur gave his thigh a squeeze.
 Obviously, I m more pathetic than I realized.
 No, no. That s&  He let out a heavy breath.  Hell, I m sorry I mentioned it.
Should have kept my damn mouth shut.
 But it s the truth. Christ, I wish I wasn t so weak. And now that Arthur knew
the truth, surely he would
A large gloved hand cupped his jaw, turning his head. Lips covered his own.
He eagerly opened for Arthur, desperate for a taste of him after being denied for
days upon days. There was nothing soft or gentle about Arthur s kiss. With a harsh,
Convincing Leopold 97
almost cruel edge, he slanted his mouth over Leopold s again and again, tongue
thrusting inside, twining with his, rendering him helpless under the onslaught.
Just when Leopold made to reach for him, to wrap his arms around Arthur s
waist and tug him closer, Arthur abruptly pulled back.
 You aren t weak, Arthur said, firm and determined, his eyes boring into
Leopold s from mere inches away, his hand still cupping his jaw.  And you aren t
pathetic. Stop saying it, and stop thinking it. Brows lowered and jaw set, he stared
hard at Leopold as if daring him to refuse to obey his command.  I love you.
Those three words killed the argument before it could make its way to his
tongue. The inner resistance melted away.
 I love you too, he whispered.
Arthur swept his gaze over Thorn s face. Seemingly satisfied, he nodded once
and then sat back against the bench.  You said you can feel it creeping up on you,
correct?
 Yes.
 Will you tell me next time? Talk to me about what s worrying you? Clearly it
does no good for you to keep it locked inside. I m not going to leave you, Thorn, so
you needn t fret something you say will send me running toward the hills. I have
told you before. You ve got me for as long as you ll have me.
He slanted a cautious glance at Arthur and met resolute hazel eyes.
 Will you trust me? I won t let you down again.
He took hold of Arthur s hand. Soaked up the strength in the long fingers
wrapped securely around his. Arthur had been an anchor there for a short while,
providing the stability his soul craved& until he had allowed the worries and doubts
to eat away at him. But perhaps, just perhaps, Arthur could prove a far better
remedy than liquor. The man certainly tasted better than a bottle of gin.  All right.
98 Ava March
 Thank you. Arthur gave his hand a squeeze.  And maybe it isn t good for you [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]